I have found my purpose in life. It is to make buttons.

I’ve been using every spare moment lately to make button designs on Photoshop. Well, compiling ideas for buttons and then actually making the button designs. Next, when my circle-punch is ready to pick up, I can actually make the buttons. I can’t wait to see what they actually like under mylar with a little pin-back.

So far I’ve made about 80 button designs. And, if I may say so, I’m pretty darn good at this. And I’m having a ridiculous amount of fun.

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All of a sudden, I have three completely different job prospects. I have no idea how any of them will turn out, or if I’ll get offered any or all of them, and if I do get offered one or more how I’ll respond, but I’ve decided not to fret about any of that for now.

I’m just going to enjoy being somewhat sought after, or at least interesting enough to warrant phone calls and emails and meetings in person.

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Sometimes I feel this overwhelming crushing sensation that’s partially in my head and partially in my heart. It feels like time is slipping by too fast, and has been slipping away pointlessly for some time.

It feels like I need to catch up, to get doing stuff Right Now, to make my mark on the world as soon as possible, but it also feels like it might be too late already.

Sometimes I get this feeling when I’m working at a show where the exhibitors have creative or crafty items. I see all the things they’re selling, and I see how they’ve done it — they’ve taken the plunge and are making and selling their Stuff. They had enough confidence to actually go out on a limb and make it happen. And I see things that I could have done myself, and things I wish I could do, and things I can’t believe people pay money for. And it makes me sad, because I don’t know if I’ll have the courage to ever make that leap.

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• I’m back on my crazy pills, and they seem to be doing their job. I guess technically they’re anti-crazy pills.
• My birthday was good, low-key. Learned how to play Mancala (which is fun and addictive), did some geocaching and shopping on Whidbey Island, and had a very good time. Coupeville has at least three very fun stores, and at least two very good restaurants.
• Had a second interview with the place that I was sure hated me after the first interview, which was basically a barrage of personality tests and “Answer fast!” questions. But I guess they did like me. Many problems with accepting the job, if they do offer it to me, but I’ll worry about that dilemma later.

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I’ve already mentioned how I survived my first solo dining experience, the kind with a folding menu. A laminated folding menu, but a folding menu nonetheless.

Well, I can now proudly say I’ve jumped right into solo dining with both feet. I would call myself a pro, but I want to retain my amateur status in case they add this event to the Olympics. Although, technically, I did get paid. Not for my time, but for the meals at least.

The very same evening after I had my Denny’s lunch experience, I had dinner on my own at the little restaurant in the Holiday Inn, where I was staying. It has a fabric tablecloth, cloth napkins, and a menu with the paper that gets tucked into the little leatherish corners.

I’m not sure if it counts, though, because everyone else in the restaurant was also a solo diner. About nine in all. But they were all men, and all reading newspapers, so I still felt out of place with my short story anthology and my breasts.

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A couple months ago, I wrote this list of reasons why I hate my job, and a list of reasons why my job isn’t so bad. The Hate side won, but it’s worth posting to remind myself of the less craptastic aspects of being completely unemployable and stuck here for eternity.

What’s Bad About My Current Job?                                                                                   

• I have very little respect for my supervisor.
• My commute is driving me insane. It’s 1.5 hours on average, each way, and there’s no way to take a bus. It takes me an hour to get to my carpool buddy.
• I make far less money than I should, especially considering I have a master’s degree and loads of work experience.
• I absolutely hate hassling people to pay their bills.
• Exhibitors can be very rude, demanding, and stupid. Dealing with them makes me want to shoot myself in the face.
• My company is very rigid and inflexible in many ways.

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I was just sifting through some old emails and came across this. (If you must know, I was looking for crap to forward to Noob because when he has no work to do he sits at his desk staring at his keyboard and it really freaks me out. Seriously, this dude needs to learn how to kill time.)

A Short Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, “Will you marry me?”

The guy said “No” and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The end.

(I have so many items to add to that list, starting with ‘never had to make mindless chatter with in-laws’ and ’spent her money on craft supplies and books instead of Xbox games and barbecue utensils,’ but that would go on for a very long time, so I’ll just leave it as it was originally sent to me (from my sister, by the way).)

(But maybe that will be a future post.)

Today I overcame a big fear.

Well, not really a big fear. And I’m not sure I totally overcame it. But I took a step, and I guess that’s good. And enough.

I ate alone in a restaurant with a folding menu.

I’m doing a show in Portland, so I’m eating on the expense account money. This is usually a problem, because I’m afraid to eat alone in a real restaurant that serves real food, so I end up getting fast food, which is bad. But I determined before this trip that I would bite the bullet and sit by myself at a table in a restaurant that had a folding menu instead of a light-up menu. A place that took your order at the table rather than at the counter.

And today I did it. Granted, it was Denny’s, but it still counts.

Next step will be to dine solo in a restaurant whose folding menu is not laminated. I’m toying with the idea of trying the hotel restaurant, but I’m not sure if I want to go overboard all in one day.

Plus, I’ve been annoyingly un-hungry lately. The thought of eating is vaguely repellant most of the time, but I know I have to eat or I’ll get a huge headache. Or even worse, I feel hungry but at the same time feel like I’ll hurl if I eat anything. Sure, this is better than the times when I’m famished every hour, at least better for my waistline, but it’s so frustrating.

Maybe I’m just un-hungry when it comes to the options I have available to me. If I had a personal chef to whip up exactly what I wanted, I’m sure I’d think of something I felt like eating. But when I imagine the kinds of foods I’ll likely find at various establishments within walking distance, blech.

Specifically, I want an Outback salad. And an Outback baked potato. And some Spaghetti Factory broccoli. And maybe some cream of mushroom soup, from a can.

But I digress. At some point this evening, I’ll have to decide on a place to eat, and I don’t wanna. But maybe I’ll have the courage to sit there by myself and eat rather than getting it to-go.

I feel like crap and I’m not sure why. Emotionally, not physically.

It’s not like my life is any worse than it’s been for the last year and a half. I still live with my mom. I’m still adjusting to losing most of my friends in the divorce. I still hate my job. I’m still unable to get even an interview for the most menial jobs that only require a high school diploma. My house still won’t sell, which means I still have no money. I’m still fat and incapable of bringing myself to do anything about it.

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It’s not even Monday.

I’ve had a headache for two or three days now. I’ve lost count. I should eat something, but my only choices right now are a nasty Weight Watchers TV dinner or fast food. I’m sure there are other choices, like going to the grocery store and buying stuff to make a healthy lunch, or some crap like that, but those aren’t really options to me right now.

My job is really depressing me lately. I know that’s not really anything new, and I should stop complaining about it. I sent out some more applications this week, but I know I won’t hear back. I never do anymore.

It’s clear I’ll be here until the end of time. Which is very depressing, since I really don’t like anyone who works here anymore. Especially the new guy. He’s just way too in my face all the time. I can’t even sit here and cry, pretending I have allergies. And I can’t give him stuff to do, because I can’t trust him to do it even partially correctly. And I have to go sometime soon and talk to my manager about my review. I’m sure everyone said that I have no personality, that I obviously don’t care about my job, and that I don’t participate in things like holiday parties. All true.

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