It’s long been my dream to just get away from it all for Christmas. Spend it in a tropical location where I don’t have to worry about all the junk that comes with the holiday. This year, my wish comes true! I’m sure it won’t be everything I hope it will be. It’ll have problems I don’t anticipate, and benefits I didn’t expect. Whatever happens, it will be different, and that’s exactly what I need this year. 

Things I Won’t Miss About Missing Christmas:

The big dinner that has to be planned and prepared, fretted and fussed over.

Deciding who goes where for Christmas Eve, and for Christmas morning, and for Christmas dinner.

The tree. I love the smell of Christmas trees, but I can certainly live without trudging through a muddy field to find an imperfect tree, paying more than I’d pay for a nice pair of shoes that would certainly give me more than two weeks’ use, and then hauling it home only to discover that it’s too tall, too short, crooked, ugly, half-dead, and lumpy. And that’s just the beginning. Then you have to string lights, add ornaments, and cram two thousand presents underneath it. And as soon as Christmas is over, it’s time to go through the whole saga in reverse.

Putting lights on the house. Not that I don’t thrill at the thought of freezing to death while stapling lights that only work half the time to the paint job I don’t ever want to repeat, but I can live without that little tradition for at least a year.

Planning a huge holiday party. I loved the party every year, and especially the white elephant gift exchange, but it’s nice to have a break.

The inevitable day-after-Christmas “that’s it?” let-down. This year, post-Christmas-morning activities will include exploring Mayan ruins, cave tubing, kayaking in a clear-bottom boat, and zip-lining through the jungle.

Log Book:

0307 - Awakened by team leader, code name Mom. Didn’t set alarm, because knew Mom would accomplish task.

0310 – Geared up in “I’d Rather Be Punching You” shirt and comfortable shoes.

0331 - Heated up leftover green bean casserole. Dumped in coffee mug for mobile sustenance needs. Set off with Mom for rendezvous with rest of team.

0348 - Made contact with remaining team member, code name Sister. Proceeded to first destination.

0402 - Arrived at Checkpoint A (aka Kohl’s). Observed a long line of invaders waiting to enter through right-hand door. Entered through left-hand door, where no line existed.

0403 - Ran up the down escalator. Poor strategy, not to be attempted in future skirmishes.

The record continues in this fashion for many hours, ending with a cease-fire at approximately 1600 hours.

Mission Review Notes:

Politeness is suspended on Black Thursday. Shoving through lines, sweeping abandoned carts out of the way, and selfishly snatching the last $1.99 DVD are perfectly acceptable here.

Although rudeness will be tolerated, cluelessness will not. Stopping to chat in front of the half-price sock display will earn you a none-too-subtle nudge out of the way. Driving on the wrong side of your half of the parking lot aisle could result in twisted steel and mangled facial features.

You can’t break the rules until you learn them well, son. And you have to know which ones to break.

It is unwise to enter battle without reinforcements. It’s frequently necessary to station a combatant in line while further shopping commences. Checkout lines make Disneyland on a holiday look like a slow day at the bank. Suck it up, soldier. Occasionally, it’s necessary for a team member to break ranks and proceed by car to another checkpoint before all rations are depleted. This is not the same thing as leaving a man behind. This is strategy.

This is not a scene for the weak of will, faint of heart, or male of gender. You must be vigilant, heartless, and often brutal. Be prepared to let go of the $0.49 Almond Roca with a limit of one if it means gathering twelve $4.99 microplush blankets to give as gifts to everyone on your list.

People who brag to their line-neighbors that they didn’t start shopping at 4am are just dumb and inefficient. Not only are they partaking of the craziest shopping day of the year, but they didn’t even get there early enough to get the best deals.

It’s crazy out there. You may find yourself in a head-on auto collision while attempting to use the center turn lane (the aftermath of two such accidents were witnessed during this mission). You may find your cart overturned and your ankles bleeding, or you may find yourself overturning someone else’s cart and running over their ankles. You may cry in desperation or shout in triumph. Take your meds, eat a hearty breakfast, wear your pointy shoes, and survive.

Do not delude yourself that this mission has anything to do with saving a dollar. It is entirely possible, likely even, that you will spend more on Black Thursday than is necessary or prudent. It’s about the thrill of the chase, the feats of strategy and logistical maneuvering, and the gambling.

It’s more like a season of Survivor: The Mall. Or a silent auction where you get so desperate to win anything at all that you write in an ill-advised bid for the Hamhock-of-the-Month Club, just to be able to take something home.

Godspeed, Black Thursday Warriors of 2007. See you next year.

10. An array of more food than could ever be consumed by a small army. But there are surprisingly few leftovers. Oink!

9. Grab a plate from one of the many tables set up (each with a different themed table setting) and chow down at the buffet-style meal. Grabbing a plate saves your seat. And the kids’ table is the cool table.

8. Eat around 1:00pm, lament the inability to close the top button on your pants, and then continue to graze for the rest of the day.

7. Cranberry sauce from the can. The smooth kind of cranberry sauce.

6. Tons of black olives to stick on your fingers and then eat.

5. Layered salad. Good to have some greenery in the diet. Even if it is slathered with mayo and coated in cheese and bacon.

4. Pumpkin spice cake — a new addition this year (actually a birthday cake, but luckily birthdays happen every year too), and it’s mighty tasty.

3. Sneaking bits of crispy turkey skin. And brazenly snatching whole hunks of crispy turkey skin.

2. Gravy served in a soup tureen. A really big soup tureen. Or a coffee pot.

1. ADS! Must spend hours poring over the various circulars, making notes, comparing prices, re-checking ads for deals that may have materialized since the last time they were read, debating the value and inconvenience of rebates, and developing a plan of attack for Black Friday.