First, we have the women with a grudge against how men pee. According to Mothers Against Peeing Standing Up (www.mapsu.org), it’s unclean and rude for guys to pee standing up. Tiny pee particles get everywhere, and then their mommies have to clean it up, which destroys families and causes nations to go to war.

Seriously, you can buy t-shirts and stickers and mugs from these people to support their cause and remind you to change your evil peeing ways. The delusional people here say that their goal is “to transform the way the world goes to the bathroom by year 2010.” They even go so far as to have a Yellow Ribbon Campaign, in case you want to equate their lofty mission with the plight of soldiers overseas.  In a similar camp, but with a tenuous link to backwater science, is Nature’s Platform (www.naturesplatform.com). (I wonder if these two groups have heard of each other. If locked in a cage together, would they get along or fight to the death? But I digress.) Nature’s Platform is basically a frame made of plywood and PVC pipe that you put around your toilet so you can poop in the squatting position. According to their website, people will be miraculously cured of appendicitis, diverticulosis, hemorrhoids, colitis, prostate disorders, and colon cancer if only they pretend they’re pooping in the woods. Imagine bringing the joys of camping into your own home! They have an impressive array of endorsements, including a Knight of Malta, a man with a PhD in yoga, and a naturopathic doctor who looks like a back-up dancer for Rick James. One woman proudly proclaims that “Nature’s Platform has taught me to listen to my muscles which announce the action of elimination.”  I understand that 2/3 of the world’s population uses the squatting position for all their elimination needs. And maybe it helps them avoid hemorrhoids and colon cancer. But it seems to me that those same people have much bigger problems, like AIDS and famine and swatting flies off their babies, so maybe we shouldn’t so readily compare our situations to theirs. Maybe it’s something else besides how we poop that predisposes us for these diseases. Maybe something like eating crap food and living a sedentary lifestyle.  And true, our ancestors pooped on the ground. They also died by age thirty and used teeth for currency. And it’s not like they had the choice to sit on a toilet. Even if they’d had porcelain and indoor plumbing, I doubt they’d take the time for a leisurely sit when lions and bears were trying to eat them. And if we’re so keen on the pooping habits of cavemen, where are the leaves? I don’t think Neanderthal Man had access to toilet paper. Apparently, one of the drawbacks of the platform system is mess when using it for urination. I guess the squatting puts your bum into a bit of a hover over the toilet, so the makers of Pooping’s Best Friend recommend use of a funnel or some other kind of spray shield. I wonder what the MAPSU nutcases would have to say about this. Certainly seems unclean, but maybe it evens the playing field, gender-wise. With Nature’s Platform, now women can make a big tinkle mess too!