This is a crochet pattern for sale on an eBay listing, which may or may not still be there by the time you read this.

Thank you to Beebs for bringing this to my attention. =)

(If you have no idea what I’m talking about and think I’ve lost my mind, you might be right. But first read yesterday’s blog entry, as it might clear up at least the first part.)

The enneagram types are placed around a circle in a particular order, with lines and arrows going every which way. If you want to know the details, read the book or look online or something (if you do look online, you’ll notice that some of the type names are different — Mediator is called Peacemaker, for example).

The two types next to yours are the wings, and they share significant similarities. As a Mediator, my two wings are the Perfectionist and the Protector.

Mediators and Perfectionists both easily forget or suppress their own needs, and they both value steadiness, organization, and harmony. However, Perfectionists hold to their positions rigidly, expecting others to change, while Mediators readily adapt to accommodate others’ positions, often losing sight of their own.

The other wing, the Protector, is like the Mediator in that both respond with gut reactions, seek comfort, and get diverted from essential priorities. The key difference is that Protectors welcome conflict and even anger, while Mediators avoid these. Protectors are decisive, but Mediators defer to others.

On the circle, the two types with the crazy pointing arrows are the security and stress types. That is, one is the way you act when secure, and the other is the way you act when you’re stressed. The Mediator’s security type is the Performer. This means that Mediators, when feeling secure, act more like Performers (more singularly focused on their own goals, more efficient, and more image-oriented).

The Mediator’s stress type is the Loyal Skeptic. So, when Mediators are feeling stress, they become fearful, questioning, and wary, like Loyal Skeptics. But Mediators go along with others before testing and questioning, while Loyal Skeptics test and question before going along with others.

So, as you can see, I’m a doormat. But I’m working on it and getting better.

Here are some highlights from my other major types, just because I can’t stop talking about myself.

The Epicure:

• I learned to protect myself from limitations and pain by imagining many fascinating possibilities for the future. I became a glutton for interesting ideas and experiences.
• My attention is on fascinating ideas, plans, options, projects. Interconnections and interrelationships among diverse areas of information and knowledge.
• I’m stressed by the overload that results from trying to sample all that life has to offer.
• I’m angered by constraints or limits that prevent me from getting what I want.
• I need to practice working on one thing at a time until it’s completed. Live life more fully in the present moment and less in the future.

The Observer:

• I learned to protect myself from intrusive demands and being drained of my resources by becoming private and self-sufficient. I do this by accumulating a lot of knowledge.
• I put my energy into learning all there is to know about a subject. Maintaining sufficient privacy, boundaries, and limits.
• I do everything I can to avoid feelings of inadequacy and emptiness.
• I am stressed out by trying to learn everything there is to know before taking action.
• I am upset when I don’t have enough private time to restore my energy.

So, in conclusion, I’m a reclusive doormat with a short attention span. Aren’t you glad you’re my friend?

First is the way it explains how the different personality types are related to each other, which I’ll get to later.

The other thing is the basic proposition of the whole thing. Each of the types is defined by the fundamental principle this person has lost sight of, what she came to believe instead, and the strategy she developed to cope with this belief. Again, I’ll explain more later.

First, a little overview.

According to this particular system, there are nine personality types: Perfectionist, Giver, Performer, Romantic, Observer, Loyal Skeptic, Epicure, Protector, and Mediator. I’m not going to go into detail on all of them, because that’s what the book is for, and I really don’t want my post to be 109 pages long, and I suspect you don’t want that either.

Instead, I’ll talk about my dominant type and explain all the cool things I learned about myself, and if you want to know more you can go check out the book. Because seriously, this blog is all about me.

My top three types came out to be Mediator, Epicure, and Observer, and as I read the descriptions of them, it’s really hard for me to nail one down as dominant, because I’m such a complex and beautiful creature. I see myself in all three to a great extent.

But for the purposes of this little lesson in enneagrammatics, I’ll go with Mediator, because it ranked slightly above the other two.

According to the little book, as a Mediator, I have lost sight of the fact that “everyone belongs equally in a state of unconditional love and union,” which sounds like sappy gibberish to me, but I’ll go with it. It gets better in a bit.

What I came to believe instead was that “the world makes people unimportant and requires them to blend in, which provides them with a sense of comfort and belonging.” Hmm. Getting better, but not quite how I’d sum up my life.

The strategy I developed to cope with this belief: “I learned to forget myself and merge with others. I substituted inessentials and small comforts for real priorities.” Now we’re getting somewhere. Of course, it’s kinda painful to see some of my major shortcomings laid out like that, but this is for science.

And here’s where it gets really eerie. Because of this strategy, my attention is on “other’s agendas, requests, and demands” and “all the things in the environment that beckon.” I put my energy into “being sensitive to others and trying to please them,” “containing anger,” “maintaining peace and quiet,” and “doing the less essential and comforting activities rather than the more important and more disturbing ones.”

I do everything I can to avoid conflict, confrontation, and feeling uncomfortable. My strengths are supportiveness, accountability, and being adaptive, accepting, and receptive.

Stress is caused by taking a position, or saying no to someone and having that person get angry. I’m angered when I’m treated as not important or forced to face conflict. My anger manifests itself as stubbornness or resistance, occasionally boiling over and exploding.

(If you know me at all, you should be nodding right now.)

And then it goes on to tell me how to further my personal development, which basically entails paying attention to my own needs and accepting discomfort as a natural part of life. Oh, and I need to pay attention to my real priorities, rather than giving everything equal importance.

And here’s the definition of my real friends, the people I’ve been surrounding myself with lately (it’s disguised as “how others can support my development,” but I know it’s just a description of my few wonderful friends — probably the only people who read this thing): “Encourage me to express my own position. Ask me what I want and what is good for me, and give me time to figure out the answer. Support me when I act responsibly toward myself. Allow me to acknowledge my anger. Encourage me to set and keep my own boundaries, limits, and priorities.”

Apparently, I’m not a lost cause yet!

Okay, I think I’ve written enough on this topic for now. I’ll get into the rest of the enneagram stuff next time, in the greatly anticipated sequel.

1. Read the information that’s sent to you prior to the show. All of it. And actually do what it says. People don’t write and send out this stuff just for the fun of it.

2. Don’t assume you’re different and special and that you don’t have to follow the rules. You’re the same decaying crap as everyone else, and you’ll be treated as such.

3. Don’t skip to the front of the ine, and don’t come around the side of th desk. It’s always rude, and it won’t save you any time.

4. Don’t yell or be rude at the people whose job is to help you. You’ll get treated like you deserve.

5. Ask questions before the show, so you aren’t an ass at showsite.

6. Realize that things take time. None of us are magicians. If you schedule your flight for an hour after the show ends, you’re screwed. If you don’t pre-order your crap, you’ll get it when you get it, if we have any left.

7. You can save a lot of time and money by planning your booth in advance and ordering early. And no, you can’t get the advance discount if you don’t order in advance. That’s kind of the point of it being advance, you know.

8. There are consequences for bad decisions and mistakes on your part. Expect to pay them. That’s what being a grown-up is all about.

9. The stuff you rent at showsite is expensive. Exhorbitantly so. And it’s not highway robbery because you’re free to bring your own crap. And I do find it easy to sleep at night, by the way.

10. Unions suck and cost a lot. Deal with it.

11. The person sitting at the service desk wearing a name tag and a polo shirt with a logo probably doesn’t have authority over things like labor staffing, union regulations, and forklift velocity.

12. Sometimes you can figure out where you need to go by reading signs rather than asking questions that can only be answered with pointing.

That’s a good start, anyway. So if you ever decide to be an xib, take heed. It’s really bulky and inconvenient to have to pack in my shotgun, so please save me the effort and learn how to use that 8-pound fruit on your shoulders.