Sometimes I feel this overwhelming crushing sensation that’s partially in my head and partially in my heart. It feels like time is slipping by too fast, and has been slipping away pointlessly for some time.

It feels like I need to catch up, to get doing stuff Right Now, to make my mark on the world as soon as possible, but it also feels like it might be too late already.

Sometimes I get this feeling when I’m working at a show where the exhibitors have creative or crafty items. I see all the things they’re selling, and I see how they’ve done it — they’ve taken the plunge and are making and selling their Stuff. They had enough confidence to actually go out on a limb and make it happen. And I see things that I could have done myself, and things I wish I could do, and things I can’t believe people pay money for. And it makes me sad, because I don’t know if I’ll have the courage to ever make that leap.

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• I’m back on my crazy pills, and they seem to be doing their job. I guess technically they’re anti-crazy pills.
• My birthday was good, low-key. Learned how to play Mancala (which is fun and addictive), did some geocaching and shopping on Whidbey Island, and had a very good time. Coupeville has at least three very fun stores, and at least two very good restaurants.
• Had a second interview with the place that I was sure hated me after the first interview, which was basically a barrage of personality tests and “Answer fast!” questions. But I guess they did like me. Many problems with accepting the job, if they do offer it to me, but I’ll worry about that dilemma later.

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I’ve already mentioned how I survived my first solo dining experience, the kind with a folding menu. A laminated folding menu, but a folding menu nonetheless.

Well, I can now proudly say I’ve jumped right into solo dining with both feet. I would call myself a pro, but I want to retain my amateur status in case they add this event to the Olympics. Although, technically, I did get paid. Not for my time, but for the meals at least.

The very same evening after I had my Denny’s lunch experience, I had dinner on my own at the little restaurant in the Holiday Inn, where I was staying. It has a fabric tablecloth, cloth napkins, and a menu with the paper that gets tucked into the little leatherish corners.

I’m not sure if it counts, though, because everyone else in the restaurant was also a solo diner. About nine in all. But they were all men, and all reading newspapers, so I still felt out of place with my short story anthology and my breasts.

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A couple months ago, I wrote this list of reasons why I hate my job, and a list of reasons why my job isn’t so bad. The Hate side won, but it’s worth posting to remind myself of the less craptastic aspects of being completely unemployable and stuck here for eternity.

What’s Bad About My Current Job?                                                                                   

• I have very little respect for my supervisor.
• My commute is driving me insane. It’s 1.5 hours on average, each way, and there’s no way to take a bus. It takes me an hour to get to my carpool buddy.
• I make far less money than I should, especially considering I have a master’s degree and loads of work experience.
• I absolutely hate hassling people to pay their bills.
• Exhibitors can be very rude, demanding, and stupid. Dealing with them makes me want to shoot myself in the face.
• My company is very rigid and inflexible in many ways.

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Today I overcame a big fear.

Well, not really a big fear. And I’m not sure I totally overcame it. But I took a step, and I guess that’s good. And enough.

I ate alone in a restaurant with a folding menu.

I’m doing a show in Portland, so I’m eating on the expense account money. This is usually a problem, because I’m afraid to eat alone in a real restaurant that serves real food, so I end up getting fast food, which is bad. But I determined before this trip that I would bite the bullet and sit by myself at a table in a restaurant that had a folding menu instead of a light-up menu. A place that took your order at the table rather than at the counter.

And today I did it. Granted, it was Denny’s, but it still counts.

Next step will be to dine solo in a restaurant whose folding menu is not laminated. I’m toying with the idea of trying the hotel restaurant, but I’m not sure if I want to go overboard all in one day.

Plus, I’ve been annoyingly un-hungry lately. The thought of eating is vaguely repellant most of the time, but I know I have to eat or I’ll get a huge headache. Or even worse, I feel hungry but at the same time feel like I’ll hurl if I eat anything. Sure, this is better than the times when I’m famished every hour, at least better for my waistline, but it’s so frustrating.

Maybe I’m just un-hungry when it comes to the options I have available to me. If I had a personal chef to whip up exactly what I wanted, I’m sure I’d think of something I felt like eating. But when I imagine the kinds of foods I’ll likely find at various establishments within walking distance, blech.

Specifically, I want an Outback salad. And an Outback baked potato. And some Spaghetti Factory broccoli. And maybe some cream of mushroom soup, from a can.

But I digress. At some point this evening, I’ll have to decide on a place to eat, and I don’t wanna. But maybe I’ll have the courage to sit there by myself and eat rather than getting it to-go.

I feel like crap and I’m not sure why. Emotionally, not physically.

It’s not like my life is any worse than it’s been for the last year and a half. I still live with my mom. I’m still adjusting to losing most of my friends in the divorce. I still hate my job. I’m still unable to get even an interview for the most menial jobs that only require a high school diploma. My house still won’t sell, which means I still have no money. I’m still fat and incapable of bringing myself to do anything about it.

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It’s not even Monday.

I’ve had a headache for two or three days now. I’ve lost count. I should eat something, but my only choices right now are a nasty Weight Watchers TV dinner or fast food. I’m sure there are other choices, like going to the grocery store and buying stuff to make a healthy lunch, or some crap like that, but those aren’t really options to me right now.

My job is really depressing me lately. I know that’s not really anything new, and I should stop complaining about it. I sent out some more applications this week, but I know I won’t hear back. I never do anymore.

It’s clear I’ll be here until the end of time. Which is very depressing, since I really don’t like anyone who works here anymore. Especially the new guy. He’s just way too in my face all the time. I can’t even sit here and cry, pretending I have allergies. And I can’t give him stuff to do, because I can’t trust him to do it even partially correctly. And I have to go sometime soon and talk to my manager about my review. I’m sure everyone said that I have no personality, that I obviously don’t care about my job, and that I don’t participate in things like holiday parties. All true.

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So I finally got another proofreading assignment from Wizards of the Coast. I’ve been without one for about six months, and I was starting to worry that I’d been blacklisted or something. But oh happy day, I’m back in!Even though I’m not really into fantasy novels, and some of the books I’ve had to proofread are downright awful, it’s still fun. It gives me an excuse to read a book, and I get paid as a bonus. Plus, I get to actually make corrections when I see the errors instead of merely seething in futile irritation.

This will be my ninth book. Because I’m desperate for content, and because it’s as good an excuse as any to figure out how to stick images in here, here’s a look back at the first eight novels I proofread.

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Last night I went to the Marilyn Manson concert at the Paramount. So much to say.

First, we went to Von’s for dinner before the show. I’ve been wanting to go there for a long time, mainly because I’ve been intrigued by their sign that says Martini – Manhattan Memorial. I like martinis.

So Von’s was good. Very friendly staff all around, great food, and a fun atmosphere. The walls of the dining room are entirely covered in beer tap handles, which are fun to look at. I had a yummy roast chicken, a dirty martini, a decidedly clean martini, and apple crisp. All yum.

There was a fairly long line to get into the Paramount, but it moved fast enough. While we shuffled along, we were entertained by the fruitless efforts of Jesus-sign guys. Apparently Jesus has given us over to our wrongful passion. I got a Get Out of Hell Free Card, and then I actually witnessed a Jesus-sign guy who was reasonable and logical and possibly even sane and intelligent.

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Salient Facts About New Guy

1. He has a very loud ringtone on his personal cell phone, and it is some country song.
2. When I snark about exhibitors after they’ve left the desk, he tells me I’m very negative rather than joining in.
3. The book he’s reading is some Christian non-fiction thing that he could not explain to my satisfaction.
4. He left me alone on the busiest day of the show to tend to his sick kid. Apparently his wife couldn’t leave her highly pressing job in data entry.
5. He habitually falls out of chairs, knocks phones off desks, and trips over cords with much flamboyance and little finesse. Read the rest of this entry »