THE BLACK FRIDAY CHRONICLES  11.23.07

Log Book:

0307 - Awakened by team leader, code name Mom. Didn’t set alarm, because knew Mom would accomplish task.

0310 – Geared up in “I’d Rather Be Punching You” shirt and comfortable shoes.

0331 - Heated up leftover green bean casserole. Dumped in coffee mug for mobile sustenance needs. Set off with Mom for rendezvous with rest of team.

0348 - Made contact with remaining team member, code name Sister. Proceeded to first destination.

0402 - Arrived at Checkpoint A (aka Kohl’s). Observed a long line of invaders waiting to enter through right-hand door. Entered through left-hand door, where no line existed.

0403 - Ran up the down escalator. Poor strategy, not to be attempted in future skirmishes.

The record continues in this fashion for many hours, ending with a cease-fire at approximately 1600 hours.

Mission Review Notes:

Politeness is suspended on Black Thursday. Shoving through lines, sweeping abandoned carts out of the way, and selfishly snatching the last $1.99 DVD are perfectly acceptable here.

Although rudeness will be tolerated, cluelessness will not. Stopping to chat in front of the half-price sock display will earn you a none-too-subtle nudge out of the way. Driving on the wrong side of your half of the parking lot aisle could result in twisted steel and mangled facial features.

You can’t break the rules until you learn them well, son. And you have to know which ones to break.

It is unwise to enter battle without reinforcements. It’s frequently necessary to station a combatant in line while further shopping commences. Checkout lines make Disneyland on a holiday look like a slow day at the bank. Suck it up, soldier. Occasionally, it’s necessary for a team member to break ranks and proceed by car to another checkpoint before all rations are depleted. This is not the same thing as leaving a man behind. This is strategy.

This is not a scene for the weak of will, faint of heart, or male of gender. You must be vigilant, heartless, and often brutal. Be prepared to let go of the $0.49 Almond Roca with a limit of one if it means gathering twelve $4.99 microplush blankets to give as gifts to everyone on your list.

People who brag to their line-neighbors that they didn’t start shopping at 4am are just dumb and inefficient. Not only are they partaking of the craziest shopping day of the year, but they didn’t even get there early enough to get the best deals.

It’s crazy out there. You may find yourself in a head-on auto collision while attempting to use the center turn lane (the aftermath of two such accidents were witnessed during this mission). You may find your cart overturned and your ankles bleeding, or you may find yourself overturning someone else’s cart and running over their ankles. You may cry in desperation or shout in triumph. Take your meds, eat a hearty breakfast, wear your pointy shoes, and survive.

Do not delude yourself that this mission has anything to do with saving a dollar. It is entirely possible, likely even, that you will spend more on Black Thursday than is necessary or prudent. It’s about the thrill of the chase, the feats of strategy and logistical maneuvering, and the gambling.

It’s more like a season of Survivor: The Mall. Or a silent auction where you get so desperate to win anything at all that you write in an ill-advised bid for the Hamhock-of-the-Month Club, just to be able to take something home.

Godspeed, Black Thursday Warriors of 2007. See you next year.