As much as I love my mom and am inexpressibly thankful for how she and Ed have let me live in their house and be a total mooch for many months now, I am SO looking forward to having my house sell, and being able to spend that mortgage money on rent for a place of my own.

I’ve never lived alone for more than a week. That’s a pretty sad fact for a so-called grown up, but it’s true. I’ve never had a place truly mine, and only mine. No parents, no roommates, no husbands or anyone of any kind. Just me. Just mine.

Gradually, things have been occurring to me. Little things about how it will be when I have a place of my own.

Things like a refrigerator filled with only the foods that I like. A spice cupboard that has taco seasoning and garlic powder and whole peppercorns and cumin, but no ancho chile powder or anise or carroway seeds.

Dishes and glasses and silverware that are purely a reflection of what I like, rather than a compromise with someone else’s tastes, or a projection of the perfect home, or hand-me-downs that I’ve never liked. Pots and pans that I actually use. Placemats that I love to look at. Furniture that’s comfortable and exactly what I want.

I know a lot of these things will depend on finances, having enough money to upgrade the things I’ll already have to things that I love, but that’ll come with time. I’ll be in complete control of money going in and out, and that’s a wonderful feeling.

Oh, and the colors. I can have colors. Any colors I want. Every color. Red, blue, green, yellow. Black and white. And it doesn’t matter if anyone else likes it or not. It just has to make me happy, make me like being at home.

I can have a knife set that looks like a person being stabbed.

I can have coat hooks that look like darts.

I can have a beaded “Cram It” curtain.

I can have a giant beanbag instead of a couch.

If you’ve lived on your own, set up your own home just to suit your own needs, or even set up a home as the dominant person in a relationship, making the decisions and having nearly everything arranged to your specifications, you can’t comprehend this feeling.

It’s like I never knew that the world could be this open, this full of possibilities. And that’s just in decorating an apartment. I can’t wait for other choices to open up to me as well.