If you ever decide to be an exhibitor in a trade show, conference, or expo, I have a few rules for you. These rules will keep your experience more pleasant and ensure that you won’t be slaughtered in a brutal way by an innocent-looking desk worker.

1. Read the information that’s sent to you prior to the show. All of it. And actually do what it says. People don’t write and send out this stuff just for the fun of it.

2. Don’t assume you’re different and special and that you don’t have to follow the rules. You’re the same decaying crap as everyone else, and you’ll be treated as such.

3. Don’t skip to the front of the ine, and don’t come around the side of th desk. It’s always rude, and it won’t save you any time.

4. Don’t yell or be rude at the people whose job is to help you. You’ll get treated like you deserve.

5. Ask questions before the show, so you aren’t an ass at showsite.

6. Realize that things take time. None of us are magicians. If you schedule your flight for an hour after the show ends, you’re screwed. If you don’t pre-order your crap, you’ll get it when you get it, if we have any left.

7. You can save a lot of time and money by planning your booth in advance and ordering early. And no, you can’t get the advance discount if you don’t order in advance. That’s kind of the point of it being advance, you know.

8. There are consequences for bad decisions and mistakes on your part. Expect to pay them. That’s what being a grown-up is all about.

9. The stuff you rent at showsite is expensive. Exhorbitantly so. And it’s not highway robbery because you’re free to bring your own crap. And I do find it easy to sleep at night, by the way.

10. Unions suck and cost a lot. Deal with it.

11. The person sitting at the service desk wearing a name tag and a polo shirt with a logo probably doesn’t have authority over things like labor staffing, union regulations, and forklift velocity.

12. Sometimes you can figure out where you need to go by reading signs rather than asking questions that can only be answered with pointing.

That’s a good start, anyway. So if you ever decide to be an xib, take heed. It’s really bulky and inconvenient to have to pack in my shotgun, so please save me the effort and learn how to use that 8-pound fruit on your shoulders.