I’m grumpy and restless and fairly certain I’m encountering PMS-land. I’ve been told I should write stuff down, get out everything that’s frustrating me, irritating me, worrying me, annoying me, angering me, and so on. But it seems as though all of my posts here have been negative. At least an unhealthy percentage of them. When I’m in a good mood, there are other things I’d rather do besides sit here and write. But when my mood goes south, all that’s left to do is whine about it.

But maybe I should try to put a more positive, hopeful spin on things. Write about what I want to be able to do, write about what I’d like to get sorted out and cleared up. That’s probably a better idea than just listing my complaints. It has an illusion of forward motion, anyway.

So here I am, thinking about all the things that are knotted up in my stomach and my mind, trying to figure out a way to sort them out and give them some sort of direction.

I’m just going to have to whine about everything for a while, to get it off my chest. Then maybe I’ll be able to go back and talk about solutions and plans and all that optimistic crap.

First of all, it doesn’t seem like my house will ever sell. The last house had four offers the first weekend, some even over our list price. Not this time. It’s been on the market for three weeks with nary a nibble. It looks great, and the price is reasonable for the neighborhood and all that. I guess it just takes time. But the longer it takes to sell, the longer I have to contribute to paying the mortgage, and the longer I have to keep living with my mom, because I can’t afford an apartment on top of what I’m already paying for a home I don’t even live in.

The worst part is that my paycheck is so crappy that I only have left about $400 a month to spend on food, gifts, cat supplies, kickboxing dues, cell phone bills, gas, car maintenance, and actually buying anything for myself. And saving money is out of the question. As is slowly buying things I’ll need when I move into an apartment.

So I’m applying for jobs like crazy, but nobody seems to want to hire me. A couple months back when I decided that my current job was not for me, I got a few interviews, but then I was promised a job here that’s apparently not going to exist, and now the job market has forsaken me.

And I don’t even want to talk about my current job. There’s just too much that annoys and angers me here.

Back to a previous topic, there’s nothing horribly wrong with living with my mom. We get along fine, and I get some free food out of the deal. I just need to live on my own. I never have, in my entire life, and it’s time. When I have a bad day, I want the luxury of buying a bag of Oreos and sobbing in front of the TV. Or take a long hot bath with a book. I need to be able to come and go as I please, not checking in with anyone.

Not that I want to do anything particularly shady, but I just need to not worry about worrying anyone by not coming home at a particular time. I don’t want to always explain where I was. Maybe I just want to drive around, or sit in my car in a parking lot and read, or lurk at the library or bookstore for hours. I need that kind of freedom to just do whatever I want to do.

So it’s nothing against my mom or Ed. They’ve been more wonderful than I could have imagined, letting me live with them so long and even letting me bring my cat. But I need a change, and that can’t happen until the house sells. Having an income of $400 a month, when I have a master’s degree and two bachelor’s degrees, is decidedly uncool.

There are all kinds of other things contributing to the feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest, but I’ve probably whined enough for one day. I’ll get back to the getting-in-shape, extra-long-commute, behind-on-charity-auction-helping, stifled-creativity, frustrated-writer-and-crafter, stalled-business-owner, can’t-seem-to-get-enough-sleep issues another time.

And if you actually read this all the way to this point, thank you. I’ll post something positive one of these days, I promise!